Scavenger Hunt

A couple of years ago I convinced Shark, Hip E, and Johnny D to enter an SF MOMA sponsored scavenger hunt. Needless to say, we didn't get the opportunity to participate, because I guess SF MOMA thought we lacked the skills necessary to complete their trivial tasks (p.s. No, I'm not at all bitter about this).

Anyways, I wanted to share the application I submitted to the contest. I thought for sure we'd win, but maybe I wasn't creative enough, or perhaps too creative? Not sure, you be the judge:

Am I Dreaming - November 21, 2008

I got an email today from my Dad telling me a hilariously embarrassing story. It reminded me of something that happened to me in college. I thought I might share it with you all. Without further adieu....

The second night back at Columbia during my senior year, I went out with some swimmers. After a long night of drinking I stumbled back to my new dorm room that was located in the EC building. I returned to my room in one piece, and proceeded to pass out on the bed. Mind you, I was back in NYC so early that all my storage from the previous year had yet to arrive, so I was sleeping on a bed with no sheets, and my roommate who might be able to lend me some sheets has not yet arrived. I was forced to wrap myself up in my parka and a couple of the winter jackets that I packed with me on the plane. Oh, did I mention I was sleeping in the buff (i'm not sure why...perhaps it was the thing to do at the time).

At some point in the middle of the night, I wake-up to go pee. In my incredibly sleepy and totally discombobulated mindset, I stumble out of bed and head in the direction of the bathroom. I open up the bathroom door, and walk into the bathroom...man, it was a bright bathroom. WAIT, this wasn't the bathroom, this was the dorm hallway! Oh no! And.........my dorm room door slams shut behind me! My muddled brain manages to process this information.....the door is locked, and I'm stuck in the hallway! This isn't happening, this isn't happening. Oh my god, it is happening, this is really happening.

For what seems like an eternity, I snap out of the sleepy doldrums and I grab a discarded cardboard box to use as a barrier between my body and any embarrassment I might incur as a result of my situation. This, however, has yet to solve the issue. The door still remains locked, and because I moved into the dorm room earlier than anyone else, the resident advisor for the floor wasn't even there. I had no way of getting back into the room, and unlike living at the frat house, I couldn't scale the side of a 20 story building.

I soaked up all the courage I had left and headed to the elevator to consult the security desk for a solution. At this point I liken the experience to no worse than when I had to parade around NYC in a Speedo for an oddly fun, yet still alienating swim team initiation ritual. As I stepped out of the elevator and into the common lobby of EC, I was astonished to find that there was no one in sight...a plus for me. I tip toe over the cold cement as quickly as one holding a cardboard box around oneself to hide one's privates from the public as one can. As I enter the security desk office, my appearance immediately solicits concern and bewilderment from the guard.

In as little time as possible, I recount my story and situation to the guard and plead for help. Sadly, he has no way of getting into my room, and suggests I head to the key center at Columbia, which so happens to be open 24/7. Mind you, I'm currently at 119th st and Amsterdam street, and the key center is at 114th st and Broadway, a full 5 block and 1 full avenue between me and a key back to my room. Only carrying a box to separate and protect my family jewels from the wild and crazy inhabitants of New York City, I rapidly decide this is a terrible option for me. Instead, I pick up the campus telephone, ring the key office, plead my case, and convince to have the only key office worker on staff hand deliver my key.

Victory indeed, however, I still had to endure another 15 minutes of the situation. The worst part of it all was that the key center worker requested I remain in the security office so that I was easy to find. I'm fairly positive it's not terribly difficult to spot a half naked man walking around, using a cardboard box as his Haute couture.

Of course while I'm waiting the inevitable happens, a group of drunk frat-type guys trickle into EC. Strangely enough, instead of receiving hateful tongue lashings from the group, they offer assistance, in so much that one of them to removed their shirt to give it to me. It was a great offer, but to put on the shirt would require that I let go of the box, and that certainly wasn't happening. The group scuttled along, and left me waiting for the key master, who finally arrived a full 20 minutes after I called.

The key center worker wasn't at all stunned by the situation, and simply muttered, "I've seen worse." I can only imagine what that might have been. I was safely escorted back to my room, where I was let in, and told to not let this happen again. I expressed my deepest appreciation and regards to the key master for making the journey to come and save my ass (literally), and I headed back to bed.

North Beach Art Installation - November 19, 2008

First off, yes it's been a while since I've posted.  Let me briefly argue in my defense; vacation and new job!

SOOOO...to kick off some much needed blogging, I wanted to share with my SF brethren a (hopefully) incredible art installation in North Beach.

Brian Goggin, with Dorka Keehn, have built a piece called, “The Language Of The Birds,” and at dusk on Sunday, November 23rd it will come to life.

This public artwork is a sculpted, illuminated flock of twenty three translucent, suspended open books with bindings positioned as if they are the wings of birds in flight. These books will appear to be taking off and flying above the plaza.

Phrases, taken from books by neighborhood authors or written about the surrounding communities, will be scattered and embedded in the plaza as if the words have fallen from the pages, forming an aesthetically beautiful and random pattern. The words will maintain their fonts from the books and will range from 1.5’’ to 3”.

At night the books will act as fluctuating lanterns light up by internal LED lights. The changing lights effects will be prompted by the unamplified beat and tempo in selected recordings of Jazz and other music played in the area over the last fifty years.

Hexapod Robot - November 11, 2008

Hexapod robot....seriously, need I say more? Watch it as it carves a human face out of this foam.

16 Horror Flicks - November 4, 2008

Halloween is my favorite holiday, as such it's important that I keep abreast of all horror flicks and scary movies. This year I used my DVR to record a ton of frightening movies. I watched them in no particular order, and I didn't do research on any of them. As a result, I wasted some precious time, but also uncovered some hidden gems.

Here are the 16 movies I saw over the month of October, and my quick review of each one.

30 Days of Night (2007)

Way too chessy and not suspenseful, Alaska sucks. Wouldn't the polar bears kill the vampires?

The Woods (2006)

Retarded plot, very much not believeable. Seriously, hungry plants?

The Abandoned (2006)

Lots of boob and scant clothing, including a sexually frustrated lesbian. It was good up until the bubble bath scene.

Casper (1995)

Too cute, Casper might be gay, so gay Sosia fell asleep

The Curse of El Charro (2005)

Bad enough to be good, a ton (no pun intended) of Steel Reserve product placement, and did someone say cinnamon Churros?

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004)

Hmm…U.S. western outpost in the late 1800s, werewolves, and two sisters who love startled expressions, what’s not to love?

Underworld (2003)

Hollywood and Fredricks of Hollywood quality clothing. Nothing wrong with a little flirting between vampires and werewolves.

Feardotcom (2002)

I love killing people via the Internets! If it wasn’t so terribly bad, it might have actually been an interesting precursor to The Ring.

The Tripper (2006)

This movie clearly is an infatuation of the crazy mind of David Arquette. Who else would create a slasher flick about party going hippies being hacked down by a masked Ronald Reagan?

Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror (2006)

I’m amazed that Snoop was actually able to put together an amazing series of haunting vignettes. Even though most of them had a gangster theme, I'm willing to dismiss the ridiculous thug slang for some great blood and guts.

Hocus Pocus (1993)

Who knew Sarah Jessica Parker and Bette Midler could look hot as witches. Okay, I’m kidding about Bette Midler, but all in all this family Halloween flick reminds me of girl-next-door romance comedy meets mystical adventure.

Final Destination 3 (2006)

This movie is like death’s version of a Rude Goldberg machine. Ridiculous plot, terrible acting, and the chicks weren’t horror movie cute.

The Toxic Avenger (1985)

What screams Hollywood blockbuster like a janitor turned into a tutu wearing, WWF wannabe, mop toting, and evil eliminating bad ass? The Toxic Avenger that is! The town of Tromaville brings you the best of sex, death, and modern clichés in this 80’s cult classic.

Halloween (1978)

Do I really need to explain this? If you haven’t seen this movie, go out ans watch it pronto! Sorry, Jamie Lee Curtis doesn’t drop her top in this horror flick.

Clive Barker’s The Plague (2006)

I was pretty sure James Van Der Beek was killed in Dawson’s Creek, but I guess I was wrong. If that terrible T.V. show didn’t kill his carrer, this movie certainly did. PLEASE, spare yourself the time, and don’t watch this one.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1978)

This is perhaps the best horror/slasher movie of all time! The budget must have been insanely cheap to shoot this movie, but as a result, it is incredibly authentic and raw looking. I love it. Please, do yourself a favor and watch this classic.